He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
How does one acquire holy water?
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
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