Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
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