My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
Randomize
