I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
Hello my rib-scented angel!
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
Randomize
