Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
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