someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
Randomize