i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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