Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
high people should be assigned attendants
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
She bit a glass in half.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Randomize
