I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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