turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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