Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
