she takes plan B like it's going out of style
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
Randomize
