I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
