So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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