this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
