I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
Using pot as a way to stop crying probably isn't a good sign huh?
Meh, some people pop Prozac, you smoke weed. Po-tay-to. po-tah-to
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
Randomize
