That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
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