my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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