Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
