I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
Okay so the couple who keep propositioning people for threeways are def siblings not bf/gf
So are you gonna do it or no you said they're hot
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Randomize
