Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
I seem to have left my pride at pride
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
