If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
Randomize
