I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
