go do what you do best...puke behind churches
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
Randomize
