just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
and i looked up. we had an audience...
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Randomize
