Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
Randomize
