I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
Randomize
