Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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