i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
I just had sex on a roof
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
Randomize
