the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
We need to get me chipped asap
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
My vagina just clenched in fear
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
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