It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
Randomize
