i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
