Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Randomize
