Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
zippers are such a cool invention
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
Randomize
