are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
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