Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
We have started to decorate penises.
Also, beer. Big fan.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
Randomize
