So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
Randomize
