Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
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