hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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