How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
Randomize
