dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
