dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
There are leaves in my underwear?
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