I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
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