I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize
