Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
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