When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Randomize
