I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
