Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
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