I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
Randomize
