Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
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