I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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