I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
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