quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
