Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
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