i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
