I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
