i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Randomize
