nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Randomize
