my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
Just watched a UNI fan at the bar lick the tears off of a KU fans face.. See what march madness does to people
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
