Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
