Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
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