she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
Randomize
