I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Randomize
